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| personals, relief, martha wainwright, lorraine bracco, scott tobias, 'literary magazine', gay, comics, tees, swear, live, government, movie times, toronto, lease, rude, rosario dawson, metrotimes, teens, wave sound files, ha ha, | just a casual pain. Something precious had been stolen. This was the kind of heartache that most parents don't want to believe their precious, immature children can achieve. This was the kind of anguish at which my honking father would later scoff, by taking my bloodshot eyes and surly demeanor and assuming that I was stoned, newspaper threatening to ground me newspaper for a month. And then, Charlotte, at 1 a.m., when I couldn't sleep, newspaper couldn't even lie down, couldn't even spend a single second without seeing your soft face turned up to his, glazed in the eyes and in love, obviously in love, (Oh my God, you were fucking in love with him?); and I called your house and you answered before your mother could hear the phone, because you were waiting for him to call you and not your ex-, not me: You should have known by the tone of my voice that I was more than just a wreck, that "suicidal" doesn't seem to adequately describe what it feels like to want to pull out your own guts and heart with a coat hangar, just so they'll stop burning and you can be done with it, this stupid life. |
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| Interpretation: First, Charlotte, when I martha wainwright saw you there, martha wainwright the second-to-last Friday before Christmas break, sitting on the orange carpet by the gray skate martha wainwright lockers, making out with Chris, the smell of burnt pizza in the air, tiny crystal shards of light from the disco ball spinning by, your skates removed and placed askew by your white-socked feet, the hands on the nearby clock at 11:35 and my father outside waiting for me, honking the horn, thinking that I was on drugs because I was five minutes late and not where I should be; when you spotted me out of the corner of your eye, watching (How could you miss me? I was five feet away, wanting to run, and wanting to destroy you and him and everything), and you stopped kissing him and I thought I caught a bit of tongue being reined in and you never, ever, no matter how many times I tried, let my tongue pass the Berlin Wall of your teeth; when you wiped your mouth and looked at me, and before you looked to the ground and away: You should've seen by the look in my eyes that this was more than |
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