If I die, don't pete & dud family fun
uruguayanspanish, primalfear, pete and dud, list of literary works, list of proverbs, laugh, serbia, david steinberg, personal essays, edward norton, sevitz, buy, mom, detroit, family fun, relationships, anarcho feminist, fashion, crouching tiger, pearl jam, (All Steve, Don't Eat It's can be found here.) The Sneeze Home | Archive | Store | Contact Posted by Steven at 05:27 PM Steve, Don't Eat It! Vol. 5 pete & dud Breast Milk Until now, the foods I've pete & dud sampled for this section have all come from the supermarket. Then one day I realized that a perfectly viable "Steve Don't Eat It" candidate has been sitting right under my nose for months. Right in my pete & dud very own refrigerator. And it came right out of my wife! No, I'm not talking about that giant cucumber, perv. I'm talking about breast milk. That's right. And not just a little drop off the odd finger, but a genuine slug of freshly-pumped wife juice. (I'll go ahead and ignore the shiver I just got, and keep typing.) Thinking about actually drinking breast milk has caused me to ponder the question: Is it not weirder to drink cow's milk which is truly intended for baby cows? The answer: Hell no! The only thing weirder than me drinking breast milk, is the fact that milk is coming out of my wife's chest in the first place.
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If I die, don't freeze my brain -- just bury me in a box of Urkel-O's. Apparently it has the ability to stop time. And what's even more ridiculous is the milk I used was only 2 days past the expiration date, and it tasted funkier than the cereal. (Which, by the way, was only 4,380 days past its expiration date.) My wife doesn't like it when I eat potentially life-threatening stuff. I don't know what her problem is. Maybe she's just afraid to raise our children alone. What a baby. When I told family fun her that the cereal was family fun still good, she was amazed for a moment and then she said, "Good. Now you can throw it away." Throw it away?! She's a loon. I told her I'm putting it right back in the box so I can try eating it again in six years when it turns 20. It looks like this episode of Steve, Don't Eat It has a happy ending. Although, I am glad Urkel signed the box "God Bless." I may need it in heaven tonight, after I die from strawberry-flavored maggots hatching in my rectum.
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